Chronic Complainers and How to deal with them-
Do you often find yourself using phrases like 'People wrong me all the time,' 'things never work out for me,' or 'this person did that, that person did this'? Have you been told that you're always complaining, or are you dealing with someone who constantly vents but seems to revert to square one when offered solutions? If so, this article is for you.
This pattern of chronic complaining often arises from an environment where your primary caregivers were themselves chronic complainers or you had parents who invalidated your feelings, making it seem like there was an inherent problem with you. You may have been shamed for experiencing your true emotions. When you're repeatedly made to believe that something is wrong with you for feeling, seeing, or hearing as you do, these thoughts become deeply ingrained, and you start believing that there's something inherently defective about you. As a result, your ego adopts a victim mentality, relentlessly finding fault in everything and blaming others to prove its own goodness.
Another pattern that often emerges with chronic complainers is their tendency to overlook their own faults when describing a situation. And in a situation where there's no way out, they may offer half-hearted apologies, not out of an understanding that they were wrong, but to salvage their self-image.
These individuals tend to criticize others relentlessly to create a contrast that makes them feel good. They might not know healthier ways to feel good about themselves, and society often reinforces this behavior, granting them an easy way out until the truth surfaces, and the mask falls off.
For chronic complainers, two unmet needs are at play. Firstly, they need their pain to be acknowledged, felt, seen, and heard. It may seem that you've validated their pain when they complain, but it's never enough. They also feel alone with their pain because complaining is often the only way they receive validation. Secondly, they need to feel good about themselves and believe they are valuable.
While it's draining and frustrating, it's crucial not to label complaining as bad.
Imagine a dog on the street howling in pain, and instead of truly understanding, you get angry just because you think their howling is noise only because they aren't able to voice their pain. So, you pick up a stone to scare them away or to make them stop howling. It's the same with chronic complainers. As much as a part of you may believe they are doing it on purpose, the reality is far from the truth.
If you are a chronic complainer, you can't reject a part of yourself and be in alignment with self-love. I would not recommend starting to feel sorry or guilty about this part of yourself because it fuels the fire. The best thing to do is to dive beneath the surface of complaining and understand what is hurting. For example, if you are complaining that the food isn't nice, ask yourself what about this is hurting you. The answer might be that the person who ordered the food doesn't care about you, because if they did, it would be congruent with how you like your food to be. If you ask the question further, digging deeper, the answer might be something like you are not valuable enough for them to order the food correctly. The real problem isn't the food; it's about not feeling valued. Keep digging and understanding what is really happening in your life.
Behind the complaints is a feeling of helplessness, a state of disempowerment. Chronic complainers often believe strongly that they can't do anything about the situation, leading to a learned helplessness state.
Another question to ask is what you are trying to achieve by voicing this complaint. Instead of taking a back door, aim to move directly toward what you want. Validate your pain and ask the people around you to directly validate your pain. Be direct about it. Do not make others the problem but rather acknowledge that this is what you are feeling or have felt, and ask, 'How do I deal with this?' Know that the answers to dealing with emotions are different; people won't offer you solutions then because they understand that it's about staying with the feeling. The reason your pain gets dismissed is because people think you are talking about the situation, and to help you out, they offer a solution which you do not need to start with. If you are able to communicate your needs, the way people approach your situation will be different as well.
When you identify and acknowledge that you are in this pattern, understand that your brain has been hardwired to focus on negatives, regardless of the positive things happening in your life. Practicing gratitude by listing five things you are grateful for each day can help rewire your brain. You can do this in the morning or before sleeping. The brain is adaptive in nature, so it will modify itself accordingly. You can reach out to a coach or therapist or even search on YouTube for videos related to hypnotherapy for positive focus, and that will help you further.
And to all those dealing with chronic complainers, I understand that witnessing your loved ones stuck in significant patterns can be a painful and frustrating experience. You might often think that if they would just listen to you, things would be so different. My heart goes out to you. Dealing with people like this can be incredibly challenging, and it's important to remember that you can't always use logic to change their emotions.
Now that you've read this until the end, you may have realized that the complaint was never about complaining to start with. So, if you find the energy to deal with them, don't get caught up in their stories of the situations they present. Instead, dig deeper to understand the meanings and emotions they are trying to convey. Once you do that, you'll have a better idea of what to say and do in the moment, and you'll enhance the situation for both. I won't say it won't be difficult, but you can avoid reinforcing their indifference, and you'll truly understand that it was never about you, no matter how much they may try to make it seem that way.
Love and light..✨🍀💜
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